Christmas without her

Thought I'd give more of my story to help encourage you to share yours.  Busy season right?  Well imagine having to plan for Christmas and other holidays after your child dying this year.  During the time of Joanna's last sudden hospitalization after a supposed flu, the first two days were hell.  I had always known that she wouldn't live into adulthood, but we had expected she would die from some long protracted fight with her lung disease, diabetes, or pancreatitis.   We were pretty prepared for that eventuality with already having some of the hard issues figured out, like whether to resuscitate her and had been considering quality of life in all our decisions for some time.  But, when you take your child to the pediatrician and he says flu you don't expect to come home after a few errands to find her in a coma!  However, because after those initial two days of denial and anger, and making the decision to not try to interfere with her organ shutdown that was occurring with more invasive procedures, I had this overwhelming peace.  That kind of peace that "passes understanding" which God gave me as a gift.  Joanna's death was remarkable, beautiful, and like I said easier than I had ever imagined it would be.  The memorial service amazing..another story.  

However, that isn't making these holidays any easier.  At the end of October I found myself crying every night before bed and realized that it was because the Christmas ads were coming out!  Joanna loved getting gifts (what kid doesn't!) and Christmas was one of her favorites.  Not usually ours though, because of the lack of structure and changes that holidays bring, I honestly kind of dreaded that time off from her school.  Joanna had an autism disorder along with some significant psychiatric issues so keeping her calm in this season was a lot of work.  But I miss that work.  I'd take a tough holiday over one without her.  I know she is happier where she is but I selfishly still want to see her anticipate opening the stocking and presents.  

Each year I make a different themed tree.  We cut down a fresh one and it gets up usually between Thanksgiving and the first week of December.  Didn't really feel much like even doing a tree this year until I got the idea to buy a pink tree in honor of her.  I found this shocking pink tree at Big Lots and pulled out all my boxes scrounging for pink and purple ornaments (her fav colors, of course).  Then I added a garland I made with Disney princess, Dora, and Lion King pictures.  My mom topped it off with a purple mesh butterfly.  It looks gaudy and great!  It hasn't taken away any of the pain but it gave me something to do to look forward to presents under a tree.