Christmas without her

Thought I'd give more of my story to help encourage you to share yours.  Busy season right?  Well imagine having to plan for Christmas and other holidays after your child dying this year.  During the time of Joanna's last sudden hospitalization after a supposed flu, the first two days were hell.  I had always known that she wouldn't live into adulthood, but we had expected she would die from some long protracted fight with her lung disease, diabetes, or pancreatitis.   We were pretty prepared for that eventuality with already having some of the hard issues figured out, like whether to resuscitate her and had been considering quality of life in all our decisions for some time.  But, when you take your child to the pediatrician and he says flu you don't expect to come home after a few errands to find her in a coma!  However, because after those initial two days of denial and anger, and making the decision to not try to interfere with her organ shutdown that was occurring with more invasive procedures, I had this overwhelming peace.  That kind of peace that "passes understanding" which God gave me as a gift.  Joanna's death was remarkable, beautiful, and like I said easier than I had ever imagined it would be.  The memorial service amazing..another story.  

However, that isn't making these holidays any easier.  At the end of October I found myself crying every night before bed and realized that it was because the Christmas ads were coming out!  Joanna loved getting gifts (what kid doesn't!) and Christmas was one of her favorites.  Not usually ours though, because of the lack of structure and changes that holidays bring, I honestly kind of dreaded that time off from her school.  Joanna had an autism disorder along with some significant psychiatric issues so keeping her calm in this season was a lot of work.  But I miss that work.  I'd take a tough holiday over one without her.  I know she is happier where she is but I selfishly still want to see her anticipate opening the stocking and presents.  

Each year I make a different themed tree.  We cut down a fresh one and it gets up usually between Thanksgiving and the first week of December.  Didn't really feel much like even doing a tree this year until I got the idea to buy a pink tree in honor of her.  I found this shocking pink tree at Big Lots and pulled out all my boxes scrounging for pink and purple ornaments (her fav colors, of course).  Then I added a garland I made with Disney princess, Dora, and Lion King pictures.  My mom topped it off with a purple mesh butterfly.  It looks gaudy and great!  It hasn't taken away any of the pain but it gave me something to do to look forward to presents under a tree.

Pain with a purpose...what it's all about

As an artist, I believe you can't separate your art from your life.  This blog is about sharing our physical and/or emotional pain with stories and in a collaborative art project.  Looking for some positive aspects of dealing with pain is challenging, right?  The day to day way it can wear you out is sometimes overwhelming and has changed our lives.  

So here's what I'm hoping you will join me in creating...and NO you don't have to be an artist to join!  The back brace pictured will be covered with pins bloggers send me creating the look of beadwork in the colored areas on the outside.  Glass-headed pins will be pushed through the front and protrude into the center.  When the project is complete, it will be hung and exhibited with your story if you choose to share it.  

So how do we start?  Share a 3-4 sentence story about your pain...any kind...here.  Of course, you can say more, just know that the abridged story will be the one used when it comes time for exhibition.  To be a part of the art, send one box of multi-colored glass-headed straight pins, any length, to the P. O. Box indicated.  Your pins represent your pain.  You can be as involved as you want.  Just blog, just send pins, share both as part of the story of Share Your Pain.  Care to join me??

Glass-headed pins can be purchased at any craft or sewing store and purchasing them and mailing them will cost around $5-6.  If they don't say glass, they aren't; plastic just won't hold up.  

Keep checking back to hear the stories and the progress on the art project.  Let's make our pain have a purpose!  

I'll start:  I've been experiencing chronic severe pain in my back, hips, and throughout my body as a result of disc issues and fibromyalgia for several years.  This has impacted daily activities (sitting, standing, sleeping, eating...you name it), my family, being able to find a job that can accommodate my limits, and making my art.  And this Christmas, I'm also facing the loss of my adoptive daughter who suffered from chronic medical and mental health issues and suddenly passed away in July.  Share Your Pain was supposed to be about my physical pain, but it just wasn't moving forward for a lot of reasons.  I realized that what I really wanted to do was share my pain to make some kind of sense of it.