Power Perfected in Weakness

I don't know if you are a type A person like me, but I find that relying on the Lord to sustain me with the pain (through doesn't make sense to say since it doesn't go away) has to be a choice.  It's easy to just rush from thing to thing (or slog through, some days) without giving a thought to where my strength has to come from.  That's even more apparent as my advocacy business picks up this time of year and I'm sitting at the computer for hours...which for me is the absolute worse pain activity.  Doesn't matter whether I use my IFC, EMS, ice, heat, or take a break every 15 minutes and walk around, it just isn't an activity my back and hip like!  I'm trying to do a better job at being deliberate about moving in His strength...which sadly to say is easier when you don't have any!  I guess that's what He means by "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." (2Cor. 12:9)  

What I Need Now

It's been a rough since to find time to post since my husband had to take time off for work injuries right around the one year "anniversary" (I hate that term!) mark of my daughter's death.  While it seems like it is a ridiculous time to commit to more time in my studio, or to post on my blog, it is what I plan to do.  Creating art and managing my pain go hand in hand.  Again, doesn't seem to make a lot of sense since my art usually involves such intense work that it takes a big physical toll on me. 

But what makes sense is not what I need right now.  What refreshes me on the inside is what I need.  In order to make sense of all I've experienced and am continuing to experience in pain and grief I need to make a commitment to studio time, exhibition, and this project.  Whether anyone else is able to join me or not, it's what the next step for me needs to be.  It's funny that no matter how much I try to create art that isn't related to Joanna it always seems to end up being what happens. 

I started art school and Joanna got even sicker and as a way to process those issues my art changes from translating scripture three-dimensionally to art about chronic illness.  This piece started out as a way to find a purpose in my own physical pain and make something positive out of it, then Joanna died and a new layer of pain was added.  I guess for now, I've just got to except that she is wrapped up in all of this and see where it takes me. 
 

Memories flooding in

Just got back from the bank to close out my daughter's memorial fund and found myself crying.  It is the silly things that set it off.  Of course, this is the month she died a year ago.  Also filed her death certificates into the safe deposit box and maybe that contributed too. 

Anyway, thinking about Joanna today and missing her big time!  Trying to figure out what to do to memoralize her this month without being morbid.  I never really understood when those who had suffered a loss remembered it each year on the date of their death, but I guess I have a new perspective now.  Want to make it a celebration, but today it just hurts.

Art in bed

I'm beginning to think that I'm going to have to figure out how to make art in bed.  I knew Christmas was going to be tough, but my the pain and fatigue has been really bad this month (hence no new posts).  Working theories from my chiropractor, family and friends is that I need to go to the doctor, my chronic fatigue syndrome might be relapsing (though I don't want to even think about that scary possibility!), and that my body after 12 years of Joanna has realized that it doesn't need to hold it together to take care of her anymore and is throwing in the towel.  I need to get to the doctor and get some bloodwork to sort some of it out and pray that maybe I'm just anemic or something.  I know my fibromyalgia is a piece of it, since in general this has been a worse year for that.  I am seriously trying to figure out how to do art in bed since I'm spending so much time there.  Of course that is lying flat on my back, so I'm not sure how I could do anything without straining my arms/shoulders.  if anyone has any ideas I'm open. 

Christmas without her

Thought I'd give more of my story to help encourage you to share yours.  Busy season right?  Well imagine having to plan for Christmas and other holidays after your child dying this year.  During the time of Joanna's last sudden hospitalization after a supposed flu, the first two days were hell.  I had always known that she wouldn't live into adulthood, but we had expected she would die from some long protracted fight with her lung disease, diabetes, or pancreatitis.   We were pretty prepared for that eventuality with already having some of the hard issues figured out, like whether to resuscitate her and had been considering quality of life in all our decisions for some time.  But, when you take your child to the pediatrician and he says flu you don't expect to come home after a few errands to find her in a coma!  However, because after those initial two days of denial and anger, and making the decision to not try to interfere with her organ shutdown that was occurring with more invasive procedures, I had this overwhelming peace.  That kind of peace that "passes understanding" which God gave me as a gift.  Joanna's death was remarkable, beautiful, and like I said easier than I had ever imagined it would be.  The memorial service amazing..another story.  

However, that isn't making these holidays any easier.  At the end of October I found myself crying every night before bed and realized that it was because the Christmas ads were coming out!  Joanna loved getting gifts (what kid doesn't!) and Christmas was one of her favorites.  Not usually ours though, because of the lack of structure and changes that holidays bring, I honestly kind of dreaded that time off from her school.  Joanna had an autism disorder along with some significant psychiatric issues so keeping her calm in this season was a lot of work.  But I miss that work.  I'd take a tough holiday over one without her.  I know she is happier where she is but I selfishly still want to see her anticipate opening the stocking and presents.  

Each year I make a different themed tree.  We cut down a fresh one and it gets up usually between Thanksgiving and the first week of December.  Didn't really feel much like even doing a tree this year until I got the idea to buy a pink tree in honor of her.  I found this shocking pink tree at Big Lots and pulled out all my boxes scrounging for pink and purple ornaments (her fav colors, of course).  Then I added a garland I made with Disney princess, Dora, and Lion King pictures.  My mom topped it off with a purple mesh butterfly.  It looks gaudy and great!  It hasn't taken away any of the pain but it gave me something to do to look forward to presents under a tree.

Pain with a purpose...what it's all about

As an artist, I believe you can't separate your art from your life.  This blog is about sharing our physical and/or emotional pain with stories and in a collaborative art project.  Looking for some positive aspects of dealing with pain is challenging, right?  The day to day way it can wear you out is sometimes overwhelming and has changed our lives.  

So here's what I'm hoping you will join me in creating...and NO you don't have to be an artist to join!  The back brace pictured will be covered with pins bloggers send me creating the look of beadwork in the colored areas on the outside.  Glass-headed pins will be pushed through the front and protrude into the center.  When the project is complete, it will be hung and exhibited with your story if you choose to share it.  

So how do we start?  Share a 3-4 sentence story about your pain...any kind...here.  Of course, you can say more, just know that the abridged story will be the one used when it comes time for exhibition.  To be a part of the art, send one box of multi-colored glass-headed straight pins, any length, to the P. O. Box indicated.  Your pins represent your pain.  You can be as involved as you want.  Just blog, just send pins, share both as part of the story of Share Your Pain.  Care to join me??

Glass-headed pins can be purchased at any craft or sewing store and purchasing them and mailing them will cost around $5-6.  If they don't say glass, they aren't; plastic just won't hold up.  

Keep checking back to hear the stories and the progress on the art project.  Let's make our pain have a purpose!  

I'll start:  I've been experiencing chronic severe pain in my back, hips, and throughout my body as a result of disc issues and fibromyalgia for several years.  This has impacted daily activities (sitting, standing, sleeping, eating...you name it), my family, being able to find a job that can accommodate my limits, and making my art.  And this Christmas, I'm also facing the loss of my adoptive daughter who suffered from chronic medical and mental health issues and suddenly passed away in July.  Share Your Pain was supposed to be about my physical pain, but it just wasn't moving forward for a lot of reasons.  I realized that what I really wanted to do was share my pain to make some kind of sense of it.